Kristen Stewart Has Arrived, Thanks to 'Charlie's Angels'

Jun 27, 2019    3 min read

The reaction to the 'Charlie's Angels' trailer proves there's one key source for fan enthusiasm

Elizabeth Banks’ reboot of Charlie’s Angels dropped its trailer online this morning like a rainbow-confetti bombshell of high kicks and glitter, reminding all of us that every last day of Pride Month counts. It looks fun. It looks silly. Jasmine from the live-action remake of Aladdin gets to be a rookie super-spy. Newcomer Ella Balinska takes on a hell of a debut role, rounding out the trio reborn as two badass women of color and an equally badass gay heartthrob.

I had to build up to her. Because sweet merciful Athena, Kristen Stewart in this trailer.

She slices. She dices. She juliennes. She dons wigs and outfits designed to injure me, personally. She’s butch. She’s femme! She wears lipstick and a white T to a boxing ring, which is so gay that the scene itself is vegan and owns two rescue dogs. In every shot, she is someone I would let dump me upwards of six times before I finally blocked her number but kept following her Instagram “just for the cat pictures.” Except Kristen Stewart isn’t a cat person, she’s a motorcycle person, and I am first in line to get run over.

The thirst is real for a reason. I’ve long been a K-Stew fan. Count me among the hordes of queers who went from rolling their eyes at Twilight to making her our lock screens when she chopped her hair and came out. Not just came out, but kicked the door down, guns blazing.

She wears lipstick and a white T to a boxing ring, which is so gay that the scene itself is vegan and owns two rescue dogs.

Famously private about her identity despite dating an S-rank roster of celesbians, she thrilled us all when she pronounced “I’m so gay” on SNL in a dig at the president. Moments later, she gifted us the greatest digital short in the history of the program. In “Totinos with Kristen Stewart,” she plays Sabine, the mysterious outsider who seduces Vanessa Bayer with sultry looks and bite-sized pizza rolls. Is it a coincidence that her character in Charlie’s Angels is named Sabina? I think not.

So, she’s hot. But it’s more than that. As many films as she’s been in, this feels like a huge shift for her. She’s not playing straight or disappearing halfway into the movie (I watched Clouds of Sils Maria for her—I am not ashamed). She’s having fun. It’s pretty incredible to watch someone who got famous as a reluctant, sullen teen idol devour the scenery like this. She’s the star, and she looks gay as hell the whole time. I’m pretty sure she smiles more in the two minutes we’ve seen so far than in most of her previous roles. We don’t know if she’s queer in the movie, but … I have hope they’re going to give us a little more than Carol Danvers and the daughter she raised with her “very good friend.”

It’s a lot. I woke up this morning ready to get some work done and pack for a trip. I was not prepared for a montage of Kristen Stewart in various spy disguises, much less as a jockey with a riding crop, having the time of her life with a bunch of funny, powerful babes. We don’t get a lot of action movies written, produced and directed by women, even if those women are all Elizabeth Banks. We almost never get big-budget films made through the female gaze for female gays.

Is this movie targeted primarily at queer women? Unlikely. Do I speak for all of us? Not by a country mile. Have I been frantically texting “AHGGJSGJSDG KSTEW??!!!” along with about seven choice screenshots to everyone I know who is as easy a target as I am? I’ll let you decide.

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